I suffer in silence every weekend. Waiting for invites that never materialise, parties I will never attend, visitors that must be invisible as there’s been none for a very long time. I ache for friendship, for scrapes and the kind of mischief that a gaggle of ladies and some carefully chosen men understand the whispered private jokes followed by silent tears of laughter with no dignity spared whatsoever. Raucous loud nights out, quiet drinks or a trip to the nearest retail monolith or park that’s full of everything and pure bonding at the same time.
I am trying to understand the logic. The missing link, the bit that makes me the most hated/feared/rejected human in my area. I don’t want admiration, I’m not the PM. I don’t want people saying one thing to my face and another behind my back. God yes I have MH issues, it’s not contagious. You don’t catch it having a cuppa in my house, you won’t get cooties from using my bathroom. Hell if I offered you some cake to go with that cuppa you can bet it’s either homemade or from a bakery I know very well. It has not been contaminated with Ecoli. But alas the sociopaths, narcissists and people who deliberately bully and try to intimidate others get all the fuss, attention and everything else. Maybe I’m already washed up and I’m not even 40 yet. Maybe it’s something I’m not intended to have, maybe just maybe standing up for myself and my family nailed the sentence that I will no matter how hard I try and how hard I work in the months and so following to come that I had my chance and blew it because I refuse to conform, I refuse to be anything other than myself and that I live openly with my MH. I don’t hide from it I’m not ashamed and I am not afraid. I am who I am. I am ME